My Life's Crossroads

Just like anybody else, I too dreamed of making it big. I had choices back then, and I admit, I could have done so much had I pursued a career far from where I am today. I don't mean to sound so ungrateful. A lot of people are now faced with unemployment, and here I am  ranting about my job, sounding like a loser.

I've been in the judiciary for what seems to be a decade already, with a job designation that sadly 'demoted' the level of education I attained. For a person who has more than a Master's Degree in her portfolio, most people would agree I should have put that to good use rather than stick to an old boring desk job that doesn't earn as much.

I didn't plan on taking this job in the first place. But being the obedient daughter that I am, I heeded my parents' wish to work somewhere near considering I had a heart condition that made them worry all the time. I still remember how defiant I felt inside, but somehow, my parents won over.

To be in a job that you hate is like going to work with your head elsewhere. I went through that phase for a period of time.. I also took other jobs on the side just so I wouldn't get bored. I tried teaching at a nearby college for a few years and started a small events-coordination business with a good friend.. Everything started to fall into place after I got married and had a kid. Slowly, I learned to appreciate this job I hated. If I happened to have a list of Pro's and Cons, the cons would surely lead by half, but then, I couldn't let go of this job just yet. I admit it has helped augment the family's everyday expenses even just a bit, and no matter how relatively meager my stipend is, a small income is still way better than having none. But what I consider a big advantage was that I get to go home once in a while to oversee the home,  my child and my mom who has become kinda  sickly because of old age. I am able to care for my family and  their needs while I earned a living. Frankly, I think that  is fairly enough for me to stop complaining.

But in the past couple of weeks, I've been punishing myself by thinking, what if at this age, I decide to brave the world one more time and leave this day-job to find another one that hopefully would give me a more hefty pay. A job that would require me to work in Manila, which I must acknowledge would somehow take away the time I have for my little girl and mom in exchange for ~ ~ ~ yes, a bigger pay... (^_^)    I then talked to my husband about these  things occupying my mind. And just as I am thankful that he is not the kind who would prevent me from doing what would make me happy, he decided to show me my perspectives and helped me weigh what mattered most to me. It was his exact words that he would not want to see me regret whatever decision I may make, but nonetheless, he was there to support me any other way.

Last night, after I came home from an ocular and a client meet-up, I felt my exhaustion reaching its brink. I wasn't just physically tired, I was emotionally exhausted as well.. I arrived home late  just as my daughter  finished her dinner. My mom who seemed very tired as well, was just finishing up..  My little girl was screaming with joy when she heard me by the door. She wouldn't let go of me until I put her to bed, with her arms wrapped around tightly at my hand. My mom told me how my daughter patiently waited at the window the whole day, wishing it would be me inside the tricycle that would pass by... As soon as I arrived, I took over the chores and told my mom to take her rest as I know she was already tired and wasn't feeling very well.

I couldn't quite explain how sad I felt that very instant. For a short period of time that I had been away from home, I felt like there was so much that I missed, there are hardly any words... I realized, there are things in my life that I need to sacrifice if I decide to pursue a career elsewhere. This was what Leih had been telling me the whole time.

I am all my family's got. I couldn't very well take care of them if my priorities shifted. It  just wouldn't  be enough.

I started asking myself, was I really ready to give up the time and liberty to be with my family in exchange of a career  I think I want?  My heart need not explain what my mind could not understand. I knew I couldn't have it all, and I  must learn to be more appreciative of the few luxuries my present job has to offer,(time for one), more so, whatever little blessing I have in my life right now.... I had to weigh what mattered most to me. Weird as it may sound, money wasn't a major concern when the talk of family came at hand. I knew what I wanted to prioritize, and I will not feel sorry for choosing to let go of the possibility of a career that I could have had...  Not at the expense of seeing over my child and my old folks at any time I wish. My family is the most priceless part of my life that I could not pass up for anything less...

I have a husband who loves me and accepts me for the strong and weak person that I am. I have a job that  gives me certain liberties other companies would not. I have a wonderful child who thinks the world of me... A set of loving parents who wish only what they think is best for me... and a simple happy home that not everyone is blessed to have.. I may not be as well-off but  thinking about these graces somehow finally gave me peace I've been searching all this time.

Maybe I just need to appreciate life's little joys more, be grateful and be more accepting, that we do not get everything we wish for. God may not give me everything I ask, but He certainly provided me with the most important things I need...